Do you want to get something off your chest? Let me give you some advice.

There is a holiday known as Festivus, created by Daniel O’Keefe, a writer for the popular 1980’s comedy series Seinfeld. It’s celebrated on December 23^rd and is an alternative for all other December holidays – such as Hannukah, Christmas and Kwanza. In the words of Cosmo Kramer, “Festivus for the rest of us!” 

As part of the Festivus tradition, celebrants gather to go through their personal pile of gripes. This is called the Airing of Grievances. But what if you can’t wait that long? What if you need to express your woes now? I have discovered an outlet for just such unloading that can be enjoyed any hour of the day, every day of the year.  It’s called Nextdoor.  

Not familiar with Nextdoor? I’ll explain. Nextdoor is a social media platform where every crackpot, complainer, busybody and conspiracy theorist gets to publicly lament and moan whenever the mood strikes.  And it’s called Nextdoor because these fine folks live in the neighborhood.  Yes.  That’s right. They walk among us.

To join Nextdoor, one enters their address and is then connected to [read: surrounded by] other people on the platform who live within a certain radius. I was happy to join because I assumed it was a place to post yard sale announcements, photos of lost pets and the like.  Also, who doesn’t want to be part of their community? Me, that’s who. Because it quickly became clear that it is not a community message board. It is the 10^th circle of hell – a breeding ground for every Negative Nancy to grumble about anything under the sun.  No affront is too big or too small. Some are sad. Others are just bizarre.

There is one tortured soul who posts every day – Every. Single. Day.  – about someone dumping day-old bagels under a bridge by the highway to feed the birds. Gasp! This person even takes precious time out of their day to provide photographic evidence of the outrageous transgression.  “How horrible!” someone responds. “Can’t the police set up surveillance?” asks another.

Another recurring theme involves car break-ins, although I don’t know how one can say “break-in” because in every case, the cars were left unlocked.  Many of these posts are accompanied by ominous surveillance videos of 12-year-olds poking through cars, looking for spare change. Then there are actual car thefts, because the same people who do not lock their cars also leave their keys in them. And while it’s certainly lousy of people to steal, it is hard to muster sympathy for this particular scenario.

However, I do have sympathy for people with legitimate issues shared on Nextdoor.  There was a woman who posted about her missing cat; a superior specimen of feline gorgeousness. She would repost every once and while, clinging to the hope that the cat would return. This went on for over a year. Her cat never came home. It broke my heart a little bit.

Some posts are cryptic: “He shouldn’t have done it, and there will be no justice.”

What?! Who?! What?!

Some posts are informative: “The government is poisoning us all with chem-trails!”  “Why would the government want to do such a thing?” asks someone. “Why do you think?” another responds.  Answering a question with a question tells me nothing. I need to know why the government wants to poison me. I mean, c’mon people! Don’t leave me hanging.

More shocking news: “There is absolute proof that the moon landing was fake.” and “The Earth is 100% flat!”

I wish I had the forethought to create my Nextdoor account under an alias. Oh, what fun that could have been! But it’s best that I didn’t. Not being anonymous enables me to hold my tongue. I keep snarky comments to myself like, “It’s bread. Relax.” or “Lock your damn car, fool!”

No, I only go on Nextdoor when I’m bored and want to see what’s rubbing my community the wrong way.  I do not share my grievances.  I can wait for Festivus.